Do not read if easily offended.|
What does a constipated accountant do?
He works it out with a pencil.
What have you got when you are holding two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because so very few of them know how to dance.
Q. What do you call a smurf with it's pants down?
A. A blue moon. Julie Hattory, 10/90.
A bachelor is a man who prefers the ball without the chain.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get a kid to eat broccoli.
Q. How do you get 500 babies into a phone booth?
A. A food processor.
Q. How do you get them out again?
A. A straw.
As a kid, I was so ugly, my parents hung a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. Cmdr Data, Star Trek TNG
A man walks in to a bar at the top of a tall building and says to the bar tender, "Give me a drink that will make me fly!" The bar tender hands him a cocktail which the man slugs down in one gulp, then the man jumps out a window, flies threw the air, back in the window and up to the bar. Another man at the bar grabs the bar tender and says "Give me one of those!" He slugs it down, jumps out the window and falls to a horrible death. The bar tender turns to the first man and says "I love it when you do that superman!" Kent Warren 1993.10.18
Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?
A. Sparky. Christine Johnson 1994.04.15
About Michael Jackson. Only in America could a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. Tabitha Warren 1994.04.21
Q. What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress?
A. A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time. Jack Alexander 1993.12.23
There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says "That was beautiful, what do you call it?" The pianist replies "its called I love you so much I could shit." The manager says, "uh... OK, play another". The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby." says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he's forgotten to close his zipper. The manager walks up and says "do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist grins and says "know it, I wrote it!!" Stranger at Will Kilinger's birthday party 1994.07.09
Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher walks up to them. He yank open his rain coat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is just hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the old ladies and one of them has a STROKE right away! But the other one couldn't quite reach.