Things I Wish I'd Known
...before I went out into the real world.
  1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
  2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  3. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.
  4. No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.
  5. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are onstage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
  6. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
  7. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
  8. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny!
  9. A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
  10. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.
  11. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
  12. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
  13. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"
  14. Never ride a motorcycle when you're drunk.
  15. If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it.
  16. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
  17. The shortest line is always the longest.
  18. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
  19. Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.
  20. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
  21. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
  22. Living well really is the best revenge.
  23. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
  24. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan and hold your hand.
  25. Work is good but it's not important!
  26. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
  27. When arguing with an asshole, be sure they are not doing the same...
  28. And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.
Note: This document is outdated and archival.