Jokes
Andrew's project in the 1980s to accumulate and publish a baseline set of classic jokes in common topics.
MISC
If you have any comments for me, write them on the back of your check.
Reality makes things look worse than they really are.
Its better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same anyway.
Its possible to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune, but only if you went there with a large one.
If everyone agrees with me, I reconsider.
If you're asking God for a Winnebago, you may as well tell him what color you want.
There are three rules for writing a novel, unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Your mother is so old, I told her to act her age, and she dropped dead.
Your mother is so ugly she proves the non-existence of God.
Why is a mouse when it spins? Because the higher, the fewer.
What's the difference between a juggler and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family.
SCIENCE
• What does NASA stand for?
Needs Another Seven Astronauts.
• What were Christa MacAuliffe's last words?
"What's this button for?"
• What was the last thing to go through Commander Scobee's mind when the Challenger exploded?
The control panel.
• What was the last thing Christa MacAuliffe said to her husband?
"You feed the dogs, honey; I'll feed the fish."
• What subject did Christa MacAuliffe teach?
Social studies . . . but now she's history.
• When's the next space shuttle launch?
The fourth of July.
• What's the difference between the Patriots and the Challenger?
The Patriots made it past Miami.
• Do you know what I.S.D.N. stand for?
It Still Does Nothing.
Richard Baldwin quoting Telephony Magazine, 12/90.
• Name the main standards organizations in the computer industry:
OSI, ANSI, IEEE, CCITT, and IBM.
Richard Baldwin, qouting Micro Cornucopia Magazine, 12/90.
• Did you hear that scientists have found the missing link between primates and civilized man?!?
It's us.
Tabitha, 12/90.
• Q. How can you determine the age of the universe?
A. Cut it in half and count the rings.
Rich Baldwin 1991.06.20
• Q. What's the diffence between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?
A. The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Roger Burt 1992.04.24
• A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Boslyn Rroder 1998.05.18
• Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Boslyn Rroder 1998.05.18
SILLY
• Q. Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?
A. Because he had no guts.
• Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
A. Because he had NO BODY to go with. Kent and Nicky Warren 02-10-90
• Q. How can you tell if there's an elephant in your drier?
A. It's hard to close the door. Kent and Nicky Warren 02-10-90
• Q. Is it true that carrying a flashlight at night keeps muggers away?
A. That depends on how fast you carry it. Kent and Nicky Warren 02-10-90
• Q. What animal can jump higher than a house?
A. Most animals, because a house can't jump. Kent and Nicky Warren 02-10-90
• Q. What's two things you can't have for Breakfast?
A. Lunch and Dinner.
• Q. Why is it bad to write a letter on an empty stomach?
A. Because it's so much easier to write on paper.
• Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was IN TENTS! (pronounced like INTENSE). Robin, friend of Ellen, friend of Angela Allyn, 12/90.
• I don't understand what's so great about bananas, you peel it, then throw away the bone, and there's nothing left to eat. Monica Alexander, 12/90.
• Two prunes walk out of a movie, one says to the other, "should we walk, or take a danish." Andrew 1/88.
• Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he had a chicken safety-pinned to his cheek.
• A duck walks into a drugstore and ask for some chapstick. "Will that be cash or charge" inquires the clerk, to which the duck replies "just put it on my bill". Nicky Warren, 1/6/91
• A man goes to his doctor, the doctor says "I have two pieces of bad news to tell you. First, you only have 24 hours to live, and second, I should have told you yesterday." Tabitha Warren 1/6/91
• A man goes to his doctor to find out whats wrong with him. "Your problem is your fat" says the doctor. "I'd like a second opion" responds the man. "OK, your ugly too" replies the doctor. Tabitha Warren 1/6/91 (maybe Henny Youngman)
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the product. (chemistry joke) Rich Baldwin 3/91
• An optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist is worried the optimist is right! Tabitha Warren 3/91
• Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. To prove he wasn't chicken. Daniel 1995.10.08
• I wanted to be a comedian, but I was afraid people would laugh at me. Tony Carrion 2/91
• Did you hear about the elephant with diareah?
Its all over town. Kent's dentist 1991.06.20
• Did you hear about the man who applied for the job of human cannonball at a circus? He got hired and fired in the same day. Cmdr Data, Star Trek TNG
• I come from a town that is so small, we have a fraction for a zip code.
The town is so small, we have a nephew of crime instead of a godfather. Cmdr Data, Star Trek TNG
• This guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands it to him, and pushes over a bowl of peanuts. The man is having a sip of his beer when he hears a tiny voice say "nice tie". He quickly looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears "nice hat too". He quickly puts down the beer, but there's no one around, so he asks the bartender, "I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, whats going on?". The bartender nods understandingly and says, "oh, its the peanuts, they're complimentary." Tall short haired blonde girl at Kari Doyle party 1996.09
NAUGHTY
Do not read if easily offended.
• What does a constipated accountant do?
He works it out with a pencil.
• What have you got when you are holding two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
• Why do mice have such small balls?
Because so very few of them know how to dance.
• Q. What do you call a smurf with it's pants down?
A. A blue moon. Julie Hattory, 10/90.
• A bachelor is a man who prefers the ball without the chain.
• What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get a kid to eat broccoli.
• Q. How do you get 500 babies into a phone booth?
A. A food processor.
• Q. How do you get them out again?
A. A straw.
• As a kid, I was so ugly, my parents hung a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. Cmdr Data, Star Trek TNG
• A man walks in to a bar at the top of a tall building and says to the bar tender, "Give me a drink that will make me fly!" The bar tender hands him a cocktail which the man slugs down in one gulp, then the man jumps out a window, flies threw the air, back in the window and up to the bar. Another man at the bar grabs the bar tender and says "Give me one of those!" He slugs it down, jumps out the window and falls to a horrible death. The bar tender turns to the first man and says "I love it when you do that superman!" Kent Warren 1993.10.18
• Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?
A. Sparky. Christine Johnson 1994.04.15
• About Michael Jackson. Only in America could a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman. Tabitha Warren 1994.04.21
• Q. What's the difference between a toilet and a waitress?
A. A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time. Jack Alexander 1993.12.23
• There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says "That was beautiful, what do you call it?" The pianist replies "its called I love you so much I could shit." The manager says, "uh... OK, play another". The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby." says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he's forgotten to close his zipper. The manager walks up and says "do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist grins and says "know it, I wrote it!!" Stranger at Will Kilinger's birthday party 1994.07.09
• Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a flasher walks up to them. He yank open his rain coat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is just hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the old ladies and one of them has a STROKE right away! But the other one couldn't quite reach.
UP
1989.01.01