Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...
So a bar walks into a physicist. Oh wait, wrong inertial reference frame.
Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar. And didn't.
A neutrino walks into a bar; bartender says "What can I get you"; neutrino says "Nothing, I'm just passing through."
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, the bartender says "For you, no charge."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar, bartender says , "hiya Rene, your usual?" Decartes responds, "I think not" and disappears.
An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint... "I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.
Argon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gasses here", so Argon walks out with no reaction.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" Two neutrinos walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says: "I'll have an H2O" and the bartender hands him a water. The second chemist says: "I'll have an H2O too", drinks it and dies.
Albert Einstein gets on a train and asks, "excuse me, does New York pass by this train?"
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand ternary, those that don't, and those who mistake it for binary.
There are 10 types of people in this world: those that understand quaternary, those that don't, those that expected this to be a binary joke, and those that expected this to be a ternary joke.
There are two types of people in this world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data, and
Q. Why are women like numbers?
A. When they have a period they're usually irrational.
Two atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, the first atom turns to the second and says, "Oh crap, I think I just dropped an electron!" The second atom says, "Are you sure??" To which the first atom replies, "I'm positive!"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway when he was pulled over by a state trooper. The state trooper went to his window and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am," replied Heisenberg. "You were going 95 miles per hour!" exclaimed the trooper. Heisenberg suddenly became upset and shouted "Oh no! I don't know where I am!"
An engineer and a mathematician shared an apartment. Their kitchen was equipped with an electric stove, and every morning someone had placed a pot of water on the back-right burner so they could make coffee. They both knew what knob turned on this burner. One morning the engineer came into the kitchen and found the pot was on the front-left burner. He got out the stove's schematics and followed the wiring diagram and finally figured out which knob turned on this burner and he then used that knob and made the coffee. The next morning the mathematician came in and also found the pot on the front-left burner. He moved the pot to the back-right burner, thereby reducing the problem to one which he had already solved.
One Sunday morning, as the pastor is preparing for his sermon, the Higgs Boson walks into the church. The pastor freaks out, and says "Hey you! With all this "god particle" nonsense, I can't have you in here!" But the Higgs Boson refuses to leave. The pastor asks why, and the Higgs Boson replies "Without me, how do you expect to have mass?"
Why was Elisabeth Heisenberg so upset? Because whenever Werner had the position, he didn't have the momentum, and whenever he had the time, he didn't have the energy!
I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
Three kingdoms are going to war in Medieval Europe. The first kingdom sends 50 knights, with five squires each to sharpen the swords, polish the armor, and tend to the horses. The second kingdom sends 100 Knights, with 10 squires each to sharpen the swords, polish the armor, and tend to the horses. The third kingdom sends but one knight with but one squire. Instead of tending to the the weapons, the squire prepares a hearty stew, and because there were animals in the area, hauled the cauldron up into the tree with a rope for the night.
On the day of the battle, the knights happily pushed the squires before them into combat, before retreating to a safe distance to hash out valiant tales.
The battle maintained for the rest of the day, and by the end only one squire remained, the squire from the third kingdom. Because, as everyone knows, the "squire" of the "high-pot-in-noose" is equal to the sum of the "squires" of the other two sides.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found one Newton per square meter -- You found Pascal!"
What do neutrinos and your dad have in common? They're both constantly penetrating your mom.
In the middle of a meeting at the math institution: I think we have to divide up into groups and deal with these matters separately. Lets see, how many are we? 23!!!. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRGGH!!!!
Why do programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because Dec 25 == Oct 31.
Heisenberg, Godel, and Chomsky walk into a bar.
Heisenberg says, "From the position of all three of us in this bar, we can infer that we are in a joke, but we cannot simultaneously determine whether the joke is funny."
Godel says, "No, that's not it. We can't determine whether the joke is funny because we're inside it. If we could observe the joke from outside, we'd know whether it was funny."
Chomsky sighs, shakes his head. "No, guys," he says. "The joke is funny. You're just telling it wrong."
Knock knock. Who's there? 83 protons. 83 protons who? None of your bismuth.